Glad thongs are making a comeback.
Rising sales of tiny smalls mean boom time for Britain, so forget stockpiling baked beans and start living it up
Tue 23 Oct 2018
‘To properly get into the spirit of a full and prosperous Brexit, I suggest walking around naked save for a thong.’ Photograph: Bodas
Don’t worry about Brexit – it’s all going to be OK! How do we know? Because John Lewis says thongs are popular again (yes, thongs, ladies, those abominations you surreptitiously pull out of your bum cheeks in deeply elegant fashion). And if long skirts mean a recession and miniskirts mean boom times, then excruciatingly skimpy undies must signal that we are headed for a boom bigger than the early years of Tony Blair’s Labour government, except this time, hopefully, not propped up by dodgy mortgages. Theresa May was bang on the money, as ever – austerity is most definitely over.
So don’t fret about stockpiling medication or baked beans – it’s unnecessary – and who has the space in their house anyhow, when it’s all going to be filled with designer clothes and fine jewellery. Come 29 March 2019, we will all be feasting on caviar and snorting Tesco’s Finest cocaine off a tray proffered by a hunky butler (who may also be sporting a thong, if you pay him enough). Our arse cracks may hurt, but the uncomfortable pants will be embellished and sequinned £102 delicacies from La Perla, not Lidl. We’ll be able to afford them, because we will save on all that expensive psychotherapy now the trauma of Brexit isn’t going to hit after all.
DVDs have had their day as shoppers go skimpy and sustainable
John Lewis reckons the rise in thong-buying is down to the popularity of Love Island (shout-out to all those guilty middle-class shoppers who outwardly decry Love Island as shameful and symptomatic of our fallen and shallow society, but love to watch it all the same. Ahem). However, we fashion-doyennes-cum-economists know better: the less material on our figures, the more money in our bank accounts. To properly get into the spirit of a full and prosperous Brexit, I suggest walking around naked save for a thong. If your boss protests, just tell her that she’s a remoaner, she lost and needs to get over herself. Then present her with an Agent Provocateur black Dalliyah G-string in a spangled gift bag – a mere snip at £145. When she retaliates by handing you your P45, laugh in her face and go and snag one of the billions of lucrative jobs on offer in our newly thriving economy.
Ever a sturdy measure of the ups and downs of the marketplace, John Lewis has revealed that while thongs are up, DVD players are down, and it won’t be replenishing their stock when they run out. Quite right too – why stay in watching a film? Boring! When Brexit hits, we’ll all be living it up at the theatre, taking in the action from the Ambassador Box. Binoculars? £15 programme? Tiny £6 pots of ice-cream at the interval? Don’t mind if I do. If you must visit the cinema (how dreadfully passé), revel in a red-carpet experience with at-seat service, reclining in a plush velvet chair beside a small table heaving with champagne and canapés.
Forget applying for a Canadian passport through a distant relative twice removed – that’s the very apex of Project Fear, and it’s shameful. Those 700,000 numpties marching at the weekend were out of their silly skulls. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, now we know that sales of tiny undercrackers are soaring. Hell, if you want to visit Canada (and I hear it’s beautiful this time of year), don’t squash into economy on some budget airline. Take a cruise instead – and not on any old cruise liner, but the gloriously opulent QE2. Bare your arse on deck with pride, safe in the knowledge that your infinitesimally small smalls hold the key to financial security.
In other news, apparently alarm clocks are also less popular with John Lewis buyers – sales are down by a third – but that’s probably because everyone’s wearing thongs and being kept awake by having a constant wedgie. It definitely isn’t because Brexit is around the corner and nobody wants to wake up. That won’t be it at all.
Linki:
https://www.theguardian.com/comment...g-sales-brexit-stockpiling-beans-living-it-up
Rising sales of tiny smalls mean boom time for Britain, so forget stockpiling baked beans and start living it up
Tue 23 Oct 2018
‘To properly get into the spirit of a full and prosperous Brexit, I suggest walking around naked save for a thong.’ Photograph: Bodas
Don’t worry about Brexit – it’s all going to be OK! How do we know? Because John Lewis says thongs are popular again (yes, thongs, ladies, those abominations you surreptitiously pull out of your bum cheeks in deeply elegant fashion). And if long skirts mean a recession and miniskirts mean boom times, then excruciatingly skimpy undies must signal that we are headed for a boom bigger than the early years of Tony Blair’s Labour government, except this time, hopefully, not propped up by dodgy mortgages. Theresa May was bang on the money, as ever – austerity is most definitely over.
So don’t fret about stockpiling medication or baked beans – it’s unnecessary – and who has the space in their house anyhow, when it’s all going to be filled with designer clothes and fine jewellery. Come 29 March 2019, we will all be feasting on caviar and snorting Tesco’s Finest cocaine off a tray proffered by a hunky butler (who may also be sporting a thong, if you pay him enough). Our arse cracks may hurt, but the uncomfortable pants will be embellished and sequinned £102 delicacies from La Perla, not Lidl. We’ll be able to afford them, because we will save on all that expensive psychotherapy now the trauma of Brexit isn’t going to hit after all.
DVDs have had their day as shoppers go skimpy and sustainable
John Lewis reckons the rise in thong-buying is down to the popularity of Love Island (shout-out to all those guilty middle-class shoppers who outwardly decry Love Island as shameful and symptomatic of our fallen and shallow society, but love to watch it all the same. Ahem). However, we fashion-doyennes-cum-economists know better: the less material on our figures, the more money in our bank accounts. To properly get into the spirit of a full and prosperous Brexit, I suggest walking around naked save for a thong. If your boss protests, just tell her that she’s a remoaner, she lost and needs to get over herself. Then present her with an Agent Provocateur black Dalliyah G-string in a spangled gift bag – a mere snip at £145. When she retaliates by handing you your P45, laugh in her face and go and snag one of the billions of lucrative jobs on offer in our newly thriving economy.
Ever a sturdy measure of the ups and downs of the marketplace, John Lewis has revealed that while thongs are up, DVD players are down, and it won’t be replenishing their stock when they run out. Quite right too – why stay in watching a film? Boring! When Brexit hits, we’ll all be living it up at the theatre, taking in the action from the Ambassador Box. Binoculars? £15 programme? Tiny £6 pots of ice-cream at the interval? Don’t mind if I do. If you must visit the cinema (how dreadfully passé), revel in a red-carpet experience with at-seat service, reclining in a plush velvet chair beside a small table heaving with champagne and canapés.
Forget applying for a Canadian passport through a distant relative twice removed – that’s the very apex of Project Fear, and it’s shameful. Those 700,000 numpties marching at the weekend were out of their silly skulls. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, now we know that sales of tiny undercrackers are soaring. Hell, if you want to visit Canada (and I hear it’s beautiful this time of year), don’t squash into economy on some budget airline. Take a cruise instead – and not on any old cruise liner, but the gloriously opulent QE2. Bare your arse on deck with pride, safe in the knowledge that your infinitesimally small smalls hold the key to financial security.
In other news, apparently alarm clocks are also less popular with John Lewis buyers – sales are down by a third – but that’s probably because everyone’s wearing thongs and being kept awake by having a constant wedgie. It definitely isn’t because Brexit is around the corner and nobody wants to wake up. That won’t be it at all.
Linki:
https://www.theguardian.com/comment...g-sales-brexit-stockpiling-beans-living-it-up
