Diary Entry: A brave day out with one of my blue favorites.
This is a long one!
How is it that some people do not think twice about their underwear, if someone sees it (on purpose or accident), and isn’t remotely conscious of the sensations it imprints to the small of your back and whether that’s covered up or out in the open? I hadn’t had a lot of chance to think of these things while going through a busy season, but I owed it to myself when the ‘mood struck’ to honor my body and its nudge to get back out and play a little. Sheepishly, nervously, but playing nonetheless.
I’ve noticed after this small break and resurgence, and in part, thanks to it; that I have more confidence and willingness to be vulnerable and simultaneously give less fucks and free myself out in the world. As ridiculous as it sounds to say, that involves being comfortable with being uncomfortable and in my world, I’m overcoming this through thongs. SO, yesterday, when noticing I wanted to jump into some American eagle low rise (from a thrift stock in previous posts) and a pretty cropped sweater, I took the chance. This may have been prompted by the hots I have for a mechanic and an urge to be sexy under my clothes around him when he changed my tires the day previous. Never brave enough to flash glimpses, but thrilled either way that I was back in this groove.
After a slow morning, I jumped into a shiny blue thong I love before going out for some errands. I really wanted to wear one of my favorite thongs and before I knew it, I was carefully trying on some combos of clothes that felt good (and a little risky — for me anyways) to wear out. I settled on a pink jumper and the AE low rise jeans. I forgot how awesome my butt looks in those. I dont so much love the low front, but the back is amazing and it was impossible to hide my shiny blue thong for long. It also feels sooo good to bend over and sit down in them (I have so many questions about why that feels so good? Same with wedgies, a subject for later I plan to get into). I hadn’t worn the blue thong in what felt like ages and I love how pretty it is. I felt GOOD, not non-nervous, but I did feel good about myself and my choice of wardrobe. If anything were to slip up, I felt ready to face the embarrassment and inner excitement, whatever that would look and feel like. I take comfort in the idea that these exaggerated feelings of mine are things the majority of people probably dont care one ounce about.
I started by going to a bakery. I kept myself very covered up there, because it wasn’t a place I was interested in being anything but extremely modest.
That being said, I drove around with a huge whaletail, and it felt amazing. Wishing people could see me sometimes. Often thinking about you here, probably reading this and wishing you could too (I propped my phone a few places throughout my drive though to share here. A few teasers attached, more to come!)
https://www.imagebam.com/view/MEHBUE3
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I stopped into a second hand clothes store and ended up trying on shoes (not planned but what a ginormous permission slip it was to have no choice but to sit down and do all the bending, sitting, standing when i noticed shoes i wanted). I ended up having the most wonderful chat with the owner, and it honestly made me feel like maybe the universe was reminding me, that its ok and I’m not a bad person, to have this complex relationship with myself and that I’m accepted out in the world, even if I’m trying on shoes and I have a whaletail and love and am scared by that feeling. She was wonderful, truly. I was surprised that I could be myself, talk with, relate to, and be “normal me” while presenting in this way (I doubt she saw any glimpse of my wt, but thats not the point). It was nice.
Anyway, that isn’t the juiciest bit! Haha
Rushed home for an online meeting. I wasn’t done with my blue thong yet and it was almost like a creative spurt took over. I changed into some black sleek pants, propped a camera behind my chair while I did the meeting. It was amazing to see the different ways the slip would change in appearance depending on my organic movements. I was oddly tuned into the meeting, though always exhillirated at what was waiting fo me on the camera. I attached a teaser here but I’ll share a bunch in a separate gallery
. I would get up for a cup of tea or glass of water sometimes, and always loved sensing how (much) the tail of the blue thong would dive in and out of view.
https://www.imagebam.com/view/MEHBUEE (very much a teaser pic. It was so fun to feel and use the scarf as a way to feel and guess around the showing and hiding)
I remain wildly insecure that I’m over-sharing, or that my friends will find me here and think I’m weird and unrelatable forever. It’s exciting to reflect on it here with you, though, and I’m doing it nonetheless, because I know some of you are noticing I’ve had a leap in confidence to share this deeply, and I appreciate so much.
.....Finally, and excitingly, someone called and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. I said yes and hesitated first to throw on my same outfit from earlier in the day, the low rise AE jeans and easy to raise sweater. I tried a few ‘safer’ options, and I ended up noticing, I needed to be vulnerable and leave the house feeling brave, and the only way that would happen was if I wore what I wore earlier.
This whole day was an ebb and flow between empowerment and second-guessing, and shame, and brave, anticipating then disappointed, it goes on. I can’t believe the time I have spent in my life obsessing over making sure nobody could ever tell anything about what I’m wearing underneath. But, I’m proud to say that I got to that restaurant, and I sat down without adjusting myself, and I just....let it be. As the Beatles would say. There was something relieving about not knowing how much it was showing, if at all, though I knew it was to some extent. And when I took off my sweater to wear just my shorter tshirt (my back was showing) I felt it out. The strap had at least a finger width between it and the waist of my pants, and at least a partial tail, if not the whole thing. It felt comfortable. My relative was across from me and it was important to me that they didn’t see (they dropped something out of their car in the parking lot earlier tho ahhhhh, and I squatted and bent down to help them pick the stuff up and I knew I was fully out there. I was so tense lol, yet i strive to let go a little more and more now each time). But the restaurant wasn’t crazy, so honestly I’m not sure if people saw me or not. Part of me wanted them to.
I wasn’t ready to go home when me and my relative parted ways. So i went to a department store to see if they were selling any thongs (its hard to come by anything that is strappy, my most favorite kind. Spoiler alert: they didn’t have any, boo). I saw some more shoes, and I wanted to try a few pairs on. Here we go. A bench, in front of a mirror. And aisles of shopping traffic all ‘round. I knew that what I was wearing on top (jumper, vest) couldn’t cover me up if I sat down. I knew what I was wearing on the bottom (low rise jeans) was not going to cover me up either if I sat down. Only one thing was staying in place I reckoned, and it was going to be that blue thong. My ride or die. Tried some on, and it felt so good to feel free. Except when people were nearby, I would freeze up and feel bad. But when they left, I could look back in the mirror, and see what I looked like, and it was cool. Weird, thrilling, kinda icky, a lot hot.
It was a special day.
Thanks for reading
Million dollar question: Seriously, who knows the science behind why it feels good to sit down in low pants and have your thong stay up?
TLDR: You should!
https://www.imagebam.com/view/MEHBUE6
xoxo Keep being a source of good in someone’s day. PS you count as someone!
